Behind The (Wedding) Veil: It's Not Pretty

A friend of mine told me that an otherwise wonderful woman he knows has gone crazy planning her daughter's wedding. I believe the exact phrase was, "She's lost her fucking mind." We've shared many stories about the particular insanity that surrounds a certain kind of Southern, first-time wedding. They are all outrageous. And they are all true.

We're cruising into bridal season, and it's interesting to observe 11 years removed from my own wedding. It seemed pretty reasonable at the time, because it's not like we had a gigantic budget. But from my older, crankier perspective, it looks like a carnival of tulle, tulips and satin. Did I mention the complete loss of perspective? I distinctly remember arguing with my proper, Baptist mother about whether I should wear long gloves to counteract my (apparently scandalous) sleeveless gown. We went back and forth in the shop until my then-17-year-sister snapped and said, "Look, she doesn't want the gloves. OK?!"

Since then, I've been to a lot of weddings — some that didn't result in lasting marriages. That's not a criticism, but a statement of the obvious. When you consider the fact that half will end in divorce, it's amazing that people can summon the optimism (delusion?) to get married in the first place. So when I see all those young, starry-eyed couples in the newspaper's "Celebrations" section, well, I just hope they're not completely high on pixie dust. Good luck to them.

Anyway, that conversation with my friend got me thinking of some of the more memorable events and issues from my tours of duty as a wedding guest/participant:

Choreography: My husband was a groomsman in a wedding where the bridesmaids were doing some kind of swaying thing to a Luther Vandross song. At one point, each groomsman had to twirl the bridesmaid they were paired with. Oh, and the maid of honor did a dramatic pose on her way to the altar that was straight out of the Ebony Fashion Fair.

Courtship Re-enactments: I've been to at least two rehearsal dinners where the couple showed videos intended to represent their courtship. They included walks on the beach, fireworks and campus strolls. My friend M. was so floored by this idea that she came right out and asked, "Is this a black thing?"

Lutherization/Mariahzation: This refers to the tendency of certain soloists to emote shamelessly, no matter what they're singing. I don't know if you've ever heard the hymn "Sweet, Sweet Spirit," but melisma doesn't make it more soulful. More tedious, perhaps, but not soulful.

The Electric Slide: I think this one is a black thing, because I've seen it at almost wedding among my people. What gives? Just because everybody can do it doesn't make it a good idea. And I'm convinced that the accompanying song, along with "Macarena," is on the playlist in hell.

My advice to my kids will be to spend more time thinking about the marriage than the wedding and the honeymoon. And no re-enactment films, please.