Thursday, April 17, 2008
Death to Canada Geese
My neighborhood has a gang problem. It is roamed by a pack of marauding Canada Geese who don't seem particularly interested in going back to Canada. In fact, they don't seem interested in doing much of anything except hanging out, blocking my driveway and crapping on every surface they can find.
Did I mention the crap? I don't mind sharing my property with God's creatures, but taking a dump on the driveway is just rude. I found an estimate online (which makes it official) claiming that one Canada Goose can poop a half pound per day. The evidence in my front yard suggests that is conservative.
The other problem is that these geese have no sense of urgency. They amble. You'd think they'd scramble at the sight of a car coming toward them, but no. When they're crossing my street, I have to drive right up on those suckers before they pick up the pace. Maybe they see my Volvo and think, "She's a tree-hugging liberal. She won't hit us."
I admit that I've had a bias against Canada Geese for years. A former colleague of mine once wrote a story about how they'd become a nuisance in Columbia, Md., and I will never forget this quote from one expert: "These geese couldn't find their way back home on the best day of their lives with a map and a compass."
OK, they are kinda pretty, and they don't have the creepy panhandling factor of the Muscovy ducks that populate a popular midtown lake. But they still suck. And the next one that poops on my driveway is gonna feel the wrath of my tree-hugging liberal garden hose.