Encounters With Famous People

I may have mentioned that I'm going to see David Sedaris tomorrow.

A friend and fellow ticket-holder admitted that she tends to lose her cool when in the presence of well-known people she admires. While I've never had a Chris-Farley-interviews-Paul-McCartney moment, I understand how they happen. You tell yourself you're going to play it cool and aloof, and the next thing you know, you're thrusting your copy of "Naked" in Famous Writer's face and babbling: "Reading your books is like having coffee with a friend! I mean, we have so much in common. You grew up gay and weird in the South and I grew up black and weird in the South, and we both write — though you have an audience of millions and an NPR following. I love NPR! Remember that time you talked about being a Christmas elf? That was awesome!"

I actually have a running list of Famous People I Don't Want to Meet Because It Might Be Too Awkward. It's not that I think these people suck. It's either that the wrong kind of encounter with them would ruin my week, or that my ability to make sensible decisions would be at risk. Among them:

1. Paul McCartney: There is no way I would be able to form coherent sentences or carry on an intelligent conversation. Besides, does he really need to hear another person say that the Beatles changed their life/got them through a tough time/saved their marriage? I'm gonna go with no.

2. Sting: Sting gets a lot of flak for his lyrics and Sting-ness, and much of it is justified. I'm not going to defend the lute. But at 50-plus, the guy remains smoking hot. I've seen him in concert several times, and those guns do not come courtesy of Photoshop. Nothing good could come of meeting him. (Also see: Jackman, Hugh.)

3. Chris Martin: I've always heard that Gwyneth's husband is much nicer and more unassuming than you'd expect a big rock star to be. It must be true, because he was sweet to Miley Cyrus. But everyone has bad days, and I like Coldplay's music too much to risk meeting him under those circumstances. (Insert your own Coldplay-bashing joke here.)

4. Angelina Jolie: First, she might try to take one of my children. Second, her mojo is too dangerous and unpredictable. I had a major girl-crush on her before she went public about the man-taking, so I'm in a vulnerable place.

5. Joe Jonas: My 4-year-old daughter loves the cutest Jonas Brother the way I once loved Leif Garrett, and she is convinced that they're getting married someday. So if he turned out to be a tool with no time for his preschool fan base, well, I'd have to beat him.

On a completely different note, I'm still grappling with the fact that Sedaris admitted embellishing some of his stories after The New Republic called him out. I wasn't crushed, because I always suspected that I was reading heightened nonfiction. However, I don't think there is too much legitimate wiggle room in the "true" category, even for humorists. A recap of the dustup is here.