Target, You Disappoint Me

Dear Target:

I am madly in love with you. You know that. Most days, I would crawl on broken glass past a Wal-Mart to get to your beautiful Thakoon T-shirts and Method body washes. The only way Wal-Mart could get me to switch teams is by hiring greeters who look like Idris Elba and Simon Baker - and maybe not even then.

That being said, Target, mixing the plus-sized clothes with the Liz Lange maternity wear is an asshole move. And do I really need to point out that the LL outfits are better looking? It's like someone at corporate said, "Fat is fat. Plus-sized, pregnant, who cares? But let's put the big girl clothes slightly behind the maternity wear, since pregnant women are only fat temporarily."

I can wear quite a few things in your Misses section now, but since my bottom half refuses to go quietly, I still need stylish, plus-sized stuff to cover it. But it's not just about me. You're better than this. You're the discount retailer with good breeding, remember? This is not behavior befitting a store that brought Thomas O'Brien to the masses, and I expect more from you.

Hopelessly devoted to you,
EDP

Parenting Fail

Actual conversation with my 4-year-old daughter, C., on the way to preschool:

"Mommy, remember this old Jonas Brothers song? 'Vereh superstitious, writing's on the waaaaall ...' "

"Nononononono. That's not theirs. A man named Stevie Wonder sang it first."

"No, he didn't."

"Um, yes, he did. That song was written before they were even born. It's a very old song."

"(Sigh.) No. They sang it in a video. Remember?"

And then I launched into a semi-hysterical recounting of Stevie Wonder's life and times, which surely changed her mind. When I told my friend M. what happened, he suggested I buy "Songs in the Key of Life" immediately and pipe it into her room, then repeat with "Innervisions" and "Talking Book."

I hadn't planned on conducting an intervention between swimming lessons and play dates this weekend, but C. has left me no choice.

Shot Through The Heart

I've written before about how much I've enjoyed Ultimate Spider-Man, easily one of the most consistently well-written comics I read regularly. After a long, satisfying run, the title ended last week with No. 133. I'm still too upset to discuss this coherently, not necessarily because the book ended but because of the godawful way it ended. Imagine one of your favorite television shows going out in a giant, flaming ball of WTF, and you'll have an idea of how pissed off I am.

Brian Hibbs of The Savage Critics put it perfectly: "Fuck. Seriously, you can't do a wordless comic for $4. FUCK, and no, you can't end your run on the book on such a downer note. Especially not a book like this."

Thanks, Marvel.

Archie, You Moron

Many moons ago, I owned a "Little Archie" digest that featured a familiar story: Betty lobbies for Archie's affections, and he reacts like a jerk. Because Archie didn't want to walk Betty home from school, he took her through a muddy, meandering route that ruined her outfit and hair. Veronica, in typical mean girl fashion, laughed at Betty when the pair arrived at the Choklit Shoppe.

Archie felt so bad that he offered to walk Betty to school properly the next day, and he even gave her a lock of his hair. However, I was disappointed that Betty let him off the hook so easily and continued to carry a torch for him. I also never completely forgave Archie for being such an asshole, which is probably something to be discussed with a therapist.

Now, there's proof that Archie is an idiot in matters of the heart: CNN reports that Archie will pop the question to Veronica — Veronica! — in a special 32-page issue. The comic will explore the post-college lives of the Riverdale gang, and it's clear from her blog that Betty is heartbroken.

I get that Veronica's wealth, sophistication and overall hotness would be alluring to a 17-year-old boy. But Betty is just as pretty, and I don't recall her once berating Archie for running out of money, driving a piece of shit vehicle or not catering to her every whim. Besides, Archie isn't exactly a Mensa member, so unless his music career takes off, how does he expect to keep Veronica in Gucci and Tiffany? He'll be singing a different tune when he's filing for bankruptcy at 28.

Here's how I'd write that script: Reggie gets his act together, becomes a nice guy (with an edge) and sweeps dear Betty off of her feet. For all his issues, Reggie has always been sexier, funnier and more ambitious than his red-haired nemesis. Living happily ever after with Reggie would be sweet, sweet revenge for Betty Cooper. Archie would be doomed to a life of regret and sending Betty sad e-mails.

I have a theory about why Betty, Veronica and bodacious troublemaker Cheryl Blossom have been fighting over Archie all these years, but I've already said too much.

I Have A Bad Feeling About This

My husband claims that I'm a movie snob, but I really don't know enough about film to qualify for the label. While my tastes tend to skew Miracle 5, I will not turn down a well-executed blockbuster or mainstream movie. Plus, I own "Twilight," so that's a blow to my credibility right there.

However, there are certain kinds of movies that I almost always refuse to see. Anything overly earnest that beats me over the head with "uplift" is a non-starter. But even worse are movies whose promotional posters might as well say, "You're a chick, so you'll like this." I might make an exception if I really like the actress (Isla Fisher's "Confessions of a Shopaholic" comes to mind), but not even Ann Hathaway could persuade me to see "Bridal Wars." Kate Hudson was in it, and she seems to specialize in the kind of films I'm allergic to.

Which brings me to "My Life in Ruins," a rom-com starring Nia Vardalos of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" fame (Never saw it). My friend M. sent me a link to the trailer with the note, "I dare you not to throw up." Wow. It's like someone put "How Stella Got Her Groove Back," "Under the Tuscan Sun" and "Hope Floats" in a blender and added an extra helping of cliches. I knew it was headed downhill when Vardalos' wacky heroine revealed, "I came (to Greece) to reconnect with my soul. Find my mojo." For real?

By the time the trailer faded out to the strains of Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocket Full of Sunshine," I did feel a little queasy. But this movie will probably make gobs of money, so what do I know?

Judging Books By Their Covers

I was as touched as anyone by the footage of 47-year-old Susan Boyle slaying the "Britain's Got Talent" crowd with her performance
of "I Dreamed a Dream." It was a great television moment.

But here's what's been bugging me: Why were the judges so flipping astonished that she could sing? Could it be because she's middle-aged and not gorgeous? I understand that people are judged by their looks, especially in the entertainment industry. There's a reason Steve Buscemi didn't have Tom Cruise's career, even though Buscemi is a much (much) better actor. (This can cut both ways: "Oh look; the beautiful woman isn't an empty suit/moron/bimbo!") But it's not like Boyle was auditioning for "Make Me a Supermodel." She didn't even show up dressed like a circus performer, unlike some of the lost souls who audition for "American Idol." If a person can talk, there's a chance s/he might have a decent singing voice.

Unfortunately, human beings have a way of assigning qualities to others based on how they look. Studies have shown that attractive kids receive better treatment, not only from their peers (duh), but also from their teachers. If Boyle had looked like Jessica Alba, you can't tell me that the audience wouldn't have given her the benefit of the doubt instead of openly tittering and assuming she'd suck.

Don't get me wrong; it's nice to see the underdog win. I just wish people would stop reacting to Boyle's performance as if a donkey with two limbs won the Kentucky Derby.

Cougarz?

I was in Target last week when I came face-to-face with "Bratz Familiez (sic)" in the toy aisle. Now, you can buy a disturbingly tarted up child doll with her cougar mom in the same package. According to the product description, Yasmin and her mom Portia are "ready for a day of Bratz bonding." Slightly less creepy are Cloe and big sister Sonya, who is described as "a sassy brainiac." You can tell Sonya is smart because she wears glasses and comes with a miniature laptop.

You just can't make this stuff up.

Jamie Foxx Is The New King Of Random

Let's say you were casting celebrities for a standard stuntin'-in-the-club R&B video. Chances are you'd be looking for people with a little edge, a tiny bit of cred. I'm guessing your first phone calls wouldn't be to Ron Howard, Jake Gyllenhaal or Forest Whitaker. I'm trying to imagine the chain of conversations that led to Jamie Foxx's baffling, fascinating "Blame It" video. Thanks to my friend C. for bringing this to my attention!

Is The Recession Over?

I realize that it costs a lot of money to build a new house from the ground up. Land and materials are expensive. I don't expect builders to give it away.

But considering the fact(s) that:

a. We are in a recession,
b. Tallahassee has never been a hotbed of high-paying gigs, and
c. We are no longer in a seller's market ...

What is UP with this and this? And am I the only one who sees a problem with naming a house aimed at upper-income buyers "The Katrina Cottage?" Maybe I'm hating because I love this particular neighborhood and want to marry it, but this is just nuts.

House of WTF?

Dear Beyonce:

I think you’re a peach, so just know that this comes from a place of affection: Please stop letting your mother, Tina, dress you.

Here’s what some of my friends said about your Oscar night dress, which came from your very own House of Dereon:

“Wow, was it ever ugly.”

“The fact that she didn't wear any jewelry didn't help the fact that the fabric looked like Tina got it from a 1978 Cordoba.”

“It makes her look like she has eight legs.”

“B. is gonna have to have that come to Jesus talk with her mama sooner rather than later.”

I mean, the New York Times said that tight, black and gold mermaid number made you look like “a Czech vase.” It takes a special kind of talent to dress a beautiful woman so badly.

It is sweet and generous of you to let your mom ride your coattails and fulfill her dream of being a “fashion designer,” with you as a muse. But I’m hardly the first (or the thousandth) to point out that Tina’s clothes have some … issues. Back in your Destiny’s Child days, there were a lot of Tina-induced misfires like this. And this. And this.

When you guys finally turned up wearing clothes from designers like Roberto Cavalli, armchair fashion editors rejoiced.

On the bright side, some House of Dereon gowns are quite pretty: the pistachio, one-shoulder gown and the red crepe cross-front gown looked good on the Web site. Unfortunately, others resembled prom dresses.

You’re young, famous and filthy rich, and you obviously care about style. I’m sure other designers are tripping all over themselves to dress you. Maybe it’s time to have a talk with Mom about finding another muse/mannequin. I think you’ve done more than enough.

Best,
EDP

Jheri Curls And Keyboards And Sunglasses! Oh, My!

When I entered high school in 1984, pep rallies were hours-long affairs that, depending on the game, might include a miniature talent show as part of the festivities. It's a subject for another blog, but I grew up in a "Friday Night Lights" kind of town that took high school football very seriously.

Anyway, I went to school with a guy who, typical of the time, took on a persona that was a confused hybrid of Michael Jackson, Prince and New Edition: Jheri curl, bow tie, sunglasses. We'll call him Dre. Dre fancied himself a performer in the tradition of, um, more famous Jheri-curled performers. At the homecoming talent show, Dre took the stage and treated rougly 1,500 students to what can only be described as the worst Prince tribute I have ever seen. To my knowledge, this feat has not been topped.

I hadn't thought of Dre for 20 years, but the above video took me right back to his musical debut. For the young folks, "Digital Display" was an R&B hit for the group Ready for the World, of "Oh, Sheila" fame. "Digital Display" is a laughable mishmash of synth keyboards and PG-13 come-ons, but it was pretty popular at the time. The duo in this performance clearly hired the same stylist that Dre and so many other young men did during that era, and the dance moves are eerily familiar: comical gyration and plenty of Michael Jackson-esque kick-spins. It must be watched from beginning to end to be properly appreciated.

Thanks to Crunk & Disorderly for sharing this with the world!

Baconnaise: For Real?

Does the world really need bacon-flavored mayonnaise?

Comic (Re)discovery: 'Fast Willie Jackson'

I'm happy to report that every member of my household now "reads" (quote marks are for our 4-year-old) at least one comic book a month. But reading Betty & Veronica comics to C. left me with a nagging question: Why, after all these years, do Chuck and Nancy appear to be the only black kids at Riverdale High School? (Valerie of Josie & the Pussycats doesn't count, because she is a resident of neighboring Midvale. I'm just saying.)

While I don't remember much about the shenanigans of Willie and his friends, I recall quickly losing interest — maybe because no one in my family used phrases like "Can you dig it?" or dressed like a pimp. I must have sensed that it was knockoff, one certainly not approved by Fawcett Publications. (Then again, I read Spire's Christian-themed Archie books, so I had a pretty high tolerance for sketchy comics concepts.)

Given the iron grip of the Archie brand at that time and "Fast Willie's" apparent over-emphasis on jive-talking, it's not surprising that it only lasted for a few issues. In any case, it did bring some diversity to a monochromatic corner of the comics world. It also serves as a reminder of how much can change in 30 years. Despite Chuck and Nancy's token status, I doubt Archie Comics would have them speaking in outdated slang or turning Dilton on to the new Jeezy CD.

Read a more authoritative analysis of Willie & Co. here.

Valley Of The Dolls

One of my favorite things to do lately is to eavesdrop on my daughter while she plays with her Barbies. It's increasingly apparent that C.'s toybox is a cauldron of melodrama that would put "The Hills" to shame.

I got roped into a round of Barbie Theater this evening, and here is what went down: There are three main players, all female, who appear to be related and living under one roof. There are many, many arguments over dresses, territory and household responsibilities. The Alpha Barbie was naked for some reason, so I created a makeshift, one-shoulder dress out of a black knee-high. I thought the look was very Donna Karan, but the dress was immediately deemed "kind of stupid." C. insisted that this wasn't her opinion; she was merely serving as the voice of Alpha Barbie's disapproving (and passive-aggressive) sister. She conveyed this information with a straight face.

Shortly thereafter, the lone Ken doll entered the picture. When I asked C. why his shirt was missing, she said it was because "he is working out." I should point out that Ken was also clad in purple knickers and draped in gold, plastic beads. (My daughter has not yet figured out that a pretty male doll who likes to work out while wearing beads is not interested in dating Barbie, not that there's anything wrong with that.) Alpha Barbie then proceeded to depart on a date with Ken, but not before taking a parting shot at the left-behind Barbies as "losers." More squabbling. Finally, mercifully, Ken was ditched and the three Barbies declared a truce over imaginary pancakes.

I, for one, am emotionally drained.

The Wisdom Of Kanye

“Anyone who says they are happy single is lying. I think you can only be happy in love. So I’m still looking. I wanna have kids, but I want the right girl. I like sex but I like fashion too. How many girls have a hot body and great fashion sense too?”
- Kanye West

You know how you know someone is a tool, but you keep giving them a pass because they're talented/amusing/interesting? That's been my attitude toward Kanye West. He has a habit of saying stupid, self-aggrandizing things, but on the other hand, he wrote "Jesus Walks!" Musically, at least, he seems to have his wits about him. And unlike Diddy, he did not subject the world to Danity Kane.

But Kanye's latest commentary on life and love is too ridiculous to ignore. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that there are plenty of happy single people. God knows there are plenty of miserable people in relationships. And can someone explain what sex has to do with fashion? Is he saying that he won't sire children with a woman who is hot but shops at Sears? What about a woman with an amazing wardrobe but so-so abs? Would that be settling? See how it makes your head hurt just thinking about it?

Chris Rock Is Funny. His HBO Special, Not So Much

I almost feel sorry for artists who gain a reputation for being edgy and genre-defining. The expectations are too high (See: Chappelle, Dave), and eventually, you're going to be accused of having lost the magic you had when you were younger and less famous. Which brings me to Chris Rock.

I've been a fan of Rock's for a long time, and I still enjoy hearing him riff on current events with Bill Maher and David Letterman. For years, MTV has been trying (and failing) to re-create the watercooler buzz generated by Rock's 2003 Music Video Awards hosting gig. Rock killed that night, deflating celebrity egos right and left with lines like, "Lower your IQs and lower your expectations! It's Kid Rock!" His last two comedy specials on HBO were ruthless, controversial and very, very funny. Who didn't wince a little when he said people could be either bored (married) or lonely (single)?

So I expected more of the same from his latest stand-up HBO special, "Kill the Messenger." While it wasn't exactly terrible (See: Cook, Dane), many of the jokes were dated and tired — two things I don't associate with Chris Rock. While he did make some funny observations about the presidential election, the race/relationship jokes were straight out of a 1992 "Def Comedy Jam" set. To sum it up:

• Black women sure are a pain in the ass!
• Black men like white women — especially big ones!
• That makes black women even angrier!
• If you're white, be really, really careful about using the N-word!

It isn't just me. My friend E. said that a few of her friends went to see Rock at Madison Square Garden, and the collective verdict was, "Meh." My friend V., who saw the special before I did, pronounced the whole thing "irritating."

The thing is, Rock is still quite capable of bringing the funny. He just didn't do it in this special. Consider some of the zingers from his recent "Larry King" appearance:

•"Jason Lee has done more interviews promoting 'My Name Is Earl' than [Sarah Palin] had to run for vice president of the United States."
• "[Sarah Palin is] kind of like Kim Kardashian on 'Dancing With the Stars.' All that ass and you can't shake it!"
• "Bin Laden did more movies last year than Sam Jackson. I think he's in 'Lakeview Terrace.' "

Heck, just watch it here. His "Letterman" spot, following Bill Clinton, is here.

Is It Just Me ...

... or is the trailer for "Mama Mia!" aggressively awful? Why is Meryl Streep even in this? Did she lose a bet?