A Word About Nariah

I picked up People's special "Nick & Mariah" issue on Friday, taking in the indulgent beach ceremony/honeymoon photos and Nariah's declarations of "love at first sight." The quotes were straight out of "The Delusional Lovers Handbook," but maybe that's just the jealousy talking. While they were frolicking on the beach and drinking Dom, I was probably loading the dishwasher and wondering how I was going to get out of taking my kid to see "Speed Racer."

Still, I'm beginning to think that celebrities inhabit a reality-free universe populated by fairies and unicorns. I guess when you don't have to worry about the mortgage or getting your car serviced, anything seems possible. It seems perfectly rational to tattoo "Mariah" across your back in bold script, so certain are you that your six-week relationship is built to last. It can't just be infatuation talking. Because you've got, you know, stuff in common — spirituality and whatnot.

I don't doubt that Nick Cannon is working overtime to make his new bride happy or that he's living the dream of every straight male who grew up in the '90s. And Mariah could do a lot worse. It's not like she married a backup dancer (Though he did give an exclusive interview about his breakup with singer Christina Milian to Sister 2 Sister magazine, which isn't exactly Vanity Fair). I also understand that dating for a year or two (or five) is no guarantee of a solid marriage. So why does the whole thing come off as so frivolous? Maybe it's because we've seen this so many times — the whirlwind, starry-eyed courtship, the certainty that this love is like no other, the ill-advised tattoos, the divorce three months later.

The pixie dust and romantic globe-trotting ought to keep them happy for a while. Then the hard work begins.

Or not.

Failing PR 101

I saw Sir Paul McCartney in concert a few years ago (fantastic show) when he was still married to Heather Mills. He wore an anti-landmines T-shirt and played a forgettable love song he wrote for her. It was no "Maybe I'm Amazed," but if Paul McCartney had written me a song, I wouldn't care how bad it was. I'd take "C Moon" bad. If we wound up getting divorced, I'd always have that — plus a yacht full of money. A guy I work out with said that if he came into that kind of cash, he'd find an island that hadn't been named yet and move to it.

So can anyone explain why Mills is still yammering about their divorce? I have no idea what the Mills-McCartney marriage was like, but in a PR battle against a Beatle, you're going to lose. Especially if said Beatle has been smart and tactful enough not to go off on you himself. Plus, it's always nice if you can resist publicly badmouthing the father of your child. But instead of taking the hefty divorce settlement and moving on, she's bragging about pouring water on his lawyer and all but calling Macca a ho. No wonder she got booed during the Miss USA pageant.

I think R. Kelly should give Macca a buzz and offer to write a profanity-laden, "Real Talk"-style opus for his next CD.