Thursday, May 28, 2009

Archie, You Moron


Many moons ago, I owned a "Little Archie" digest that featured a familiar story: Betty lobbies for Archie's affections, and he reacts like a jerk. Because Archie didn't want to walk Betty home from school, he took her through a muddy, meandering route that ruined her outfit and hair. Veronica, in typical mean girl fashion, laughed at Betty when the pair arrived at the Choklit Shoppe.

Archie felt so bad that he offered to walk Betty to school properly the next day, and he even gave her a lock of his hair. However, I was disappointed that Betty let him off the hook so easily and continued to carry a torch for him. I also never completely forgave Archie for being such an asshole, which is probably something to be discussed with a therapist.

Now, there's proof that Archie is an idiot in matters of the heart: CNN reports that Archie will pop the question to Veronica — Veronica! — in a special 32-page issue. The comic will explore the post-college lives of the Riverdale gang, and it's clear from her blog that Betty is heartbroken.

I get that Veronica's wealth, sophistication and overall hotness would be alluring to a 17-year-old boy. But Betty is just as pretty, and I don't recall her once berating Archie for running out of money, driving a piece of shit vehicle or not catering to her every whim. Besides, Archie isn't exactly a Mensa member, so unless his music career takes off, how does he expect to keep Veronica in Gucci and Tiffany? He'll be singing a different tune when he's filing for bankruptcy at 28.

Here's how I'd write that script: Reggie gets his act together, becomes a nice guy (with an edge) and sweeps dear Betty off of her feet. For all his issues, Reggie has always been sexier, funnier and more ambitious than his red-haired nemesis. Living happily ever after with Reggie would be sweet, sweet revenge for Betty Cooper. Archie would be doomed to a life of regret and sending Betty sad e-mails.

I have a theory about why Betty, Veronica and bodacious troublemaker Cheryl Blossom have been fighting over Archie all these years, but I've already said too much.

8 comments:

downtown guy said...

And here I always thought that Archie kept the rivalry going between Betty and Veronica to ultimately let him off the hook. I figured he was fated to wind up with Jughead in the end.

EDP said...

I think Jughead secretly longs for that, but he would dare not speak it.

downtown guy said...

Meanwhile, Reggie's bangin' everybody from Betty to Miss Beazley.

EDP said...

Oh, totally. Why do you think Moose is always trying to beat him to a pulp? Midge has never been the same.

King of New York Hacks said...

Jughead is pimpin all of them out here in NYC LMAO

EDP said...

I can believe it! Jughead has always been the most subversive of the bunch.

Zil said...

I expressed my view of Archie's dumbass selection over on facebook, but I had to pop in here to comment on that cover art. That is messed up. What is happening with B & V there? It's one thing to "share a guy" in the sense that he is dating both of them, it quite another to both be making out with him on the couch at the same time! Get it together, ladies. Have some self respect. It's like it's on the way to becoming some soft-core Archie porn up in there.

EDP said...

Thank you! Could it be that Archie has a certain thing the ladies can't get enough of?